ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
what
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp