“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit