There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous