drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.