Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything