[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts