Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You Might Also Like
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”