I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”