It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.