Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.