Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?