*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You Might Also Like
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Every haunted house movie:
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.