SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.