Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Smells like a challenge to me
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[eulogy]
line?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
this came to me in a vision
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom