Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
dream blunt rotation
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I can’t stop laughing at this
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Never forget.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear