“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
i hope my email finds you on fire
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes