Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.