2 years later
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!