Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.