I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’m listening
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Does your wife know you’re single?