Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
*updates tinder bio*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw