You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
This could be us but you eatin’
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
No way!
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that