People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”