A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
me
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
What a kind woman! 😂😂