If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
the noise i just made
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My purse is deeper than some people.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.