Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
There are no pants in heaven.