[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Hank is one in a melon.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.