Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.