Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
You Might Also Like
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Oh the world we live in…
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
She was REALLY feeling it.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.