[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Dead
Alive
Other✔
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.