Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
You Might Also Like
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Traveler’s camo
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.