Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
the Monday after daylight savings
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar