[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what