earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul