Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁