I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
A small tragedy.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never