Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Oh. My. God.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there