[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
This hospital has everything
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.