When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.