[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
i can’t wait that long
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’