I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”