my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.