Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Camping tip: No.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!