Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal