LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something