I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
These aren’t even hard anymore.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.