Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
just make the entire table out of coaster
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help