No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*