Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
23. the denim jacket
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.