Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
This dude got his own movie?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
True statement👍😏😁
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.